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My Asperger Marriage

From the beginning an awareness that something is wrong A relationship that’s fundamentally flawed and limited Intimacy eludes every effort Subconscious grief Cold reality slowly settles in my heart A loneliness that shouldn’t be A relationship that consumes every facit of my being Yet abandons my basic human need to belong Controlled, yet abandoned Dominated, yet neglected Needed, yet no-one Promised, yet nothing

Diagnosis acknowledges what I already know It is everything I thought, yet more Blackness engulfs my soul like a shadow with form Crushing out every whisper of hope Or anticipation of something better At first a relief A book of answers for decades of questions Reassurance of my own sound state of mind Acknowledgement of all the hard work and pain Just keeping it all on track

No healing, no solution, no remedy A new way to live A new way to love New rules for ordinary things Strategies for daily functioning Mechanical methods Altered responses For better or for worse, in sickness and in health All of these, all at once A different state of being A different definition of marriage Bound, but alone Alongside, but solitary

The sense of loss is engulfing Loss of hope Loss of dreams Grief for what will never be No union of two free minds and souls Bound in love, care and respect It’s not like that and never will be One free mind One with sharp corners One soul that lives and breathes with love and spontaneity One that calculates and orders, hides, fears and rages No effort on my part can change his state of mind My love doesn’t warm him My care doesn’t reach him My personality doesn’t win him My feelings and opinions don’t sway him

A different life

- Anon (14 December 2002)


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